Tiffany Smiley Speech

This is a speech I ghostwrote for public figure Tiffany Smiley's women's conference for audience of hundreds.

We so often pray that God will act radical in our lives, but when we pray that, we sometimes forget to realize that in order for radical to be achieved, radical change must occur. Never did I expect that to mean my husband would need to lose his eyesight completely for us to live our most joyful life.

April 6, 2005 I sobbed on the phone with one of the toughest men I know, who gave me the message that shattered my American dream into a million pieces. This was the day that everything changed for me. And it was the first of many of these days where I felt desperate, alone and angry at God.

Though the bulk of my story is centered around that very moment in 2005, I must set the stage for my circumstances.

I am the second oldest child of four in a family that grew up on a farm, practicing the very socio-economic culture that one might expect. My personality has always been one of a leader, but I grew up with the idea that my leadership personality would only go as far as a farm would let me, and since being young, that meant getting married at an early age, running and cleaning a household, and having children to take care of while my husband worked. A woman never went beyond the household.

I attended college to become a nurse, and as a bright-eyed 21-year-old girl, newly graduated with a nursing degree, I was married to my high school sweetheart, Scotty. Scotty was a freshly commissioned 2LT from the United States Military Academy and to me, this was the American Dream.

The day I married Scotty was the day that I placed everything in the hands of God. I married this man knowing and accepting that he would be deployed to Iraq to protect our country on the battlefront of war. That was a tough decision, and throughout college in our time away, I had many doubts. What I didn’t know, was that I was making vows to devote my life and career to caring for this person in the wake of what would become the greatest, most heartbreaking tragedy for the both of us.

I sent Scotty away on his first deployment with my heart in his hands. This was a difficult day for me, but I somehow found comfort in trusting God with his life. We spent time talking and catching up when we could, all hours of the night. There wasn’t a day that went by though, knowing how far he was from me, and knowing the dangers he could so easily cross paths with.

So many people will never know what it is like to send your new husband away to war. Just let that soak in for a moment. I was sending my new husband right smack into the middle of a war. We pray for the soldiers and their safety, but let’s just face it, with their training and fearlessness, they’re much better prepared to be even in the middle of a war than to sit in the peace of their own home praying each day they won’t be left widowed and alone.

There were many scares throughout his deployment. In one of the first few weeks we hung up the phone and moments later there was a bomb right where he said he was going to eat lunch. I remember taking a shift at the hospital to make sure I wasn’t home when a car pulled down my long driveway to offer condolences for my husband’s death.

It turns out that car never came, but it didn’t make sleeping each night any easier. Waiting by a phone became habitual to me, and it was almost too scary to fall asleep with the risk of missing something that was happening on the other side of the world, totally out of my control.

But still, the leader inside me chugged on.. day in and day out. I even remember one time walking into my house and seeing Scotty on the news, talking to a Fox News correspondent with actual bombs exploding in the background. It was the most surreal moment to see him so close, but so far, and to know that my husband, MY husband, was in the middle of that and THAT was his job.

Many of these moments kept me on the edge of my seat each day that he was gone until I got that phone call on April 6, 2005.

I can’t truly describe to you how I felt receiving this news. How that news sinks in.. or doesn’t ever really. What I can tell you is that the bathroom floor was cold and uncomfortable, but I was glued to it. Fear was my blanket in that moment, the walls were caving in on me and the only thing I would have preferred more at the moment was if the man had just told me my husband had died. Death was an easy way out at that point. Instead I was destined for a life completely opposite of my American Dream.

Nevertheless, there I was a week later, approaching Walter Reed Hospital, having to convince my legs to move forward through the doors and find my target: my blind, paralyzed husband. I genuinely felt sorry for myself, but at the same time understood my duty. With his family crumbling around us I realized something that made me feel alone for a very long time. I saw them crumble and I knew that their job was done. There I was standing in the midst of them, and my job had only just begun. I would have to be there for Scotty through each agonizing, pitiful moment, and I would have to do it alone.

Nothing could prepare me for this moment, for this lifelong job. Looking back, I know it was my faith, the way I was raised, and I see that God gave me worth by literally handing me the reigns to run our lives in all the ways I was told I could never as a woman.

I did learn a lot about myself in helping Scotty rehabilitate for many months and years. I learned a lot about the world too. For every good person God gave us, there was a not-so-good one He gave first. I learned the strength of my love. I learned what was important in life and what I was willing to let my heart, mind, body and soul endure for the betterment of someone else. I learned that those vows I took on our wedding day weren’t just rehearsed lines, but real testaments of two people’s love and devotion to one another.

I learned about the VA, I learned about caregiving, and I learned about hope through watching this person rise above his circumstances and find his purpose. Through that, I learned to find mine. I was his right-hand man, there for every grueling, sad, pitiful, joyful, exciting, scary moment of his life.

After 10 years of carrying the weight of all this, though, I realized how much I was trying to be everything for Scotty; the only one believing for the two of us; I felt like I was the only one who could care for the other; I was the better for his worse, but no one was mine. It came to the point where I had nothing left to give. I was burned out, giving everything and receiving nothing from anyone in return. My heart had grown a covenant for the idea of living an American Dream and it was left so empty in our circumstances.

This experience of my life tested my faith. Having faith in the beginning of my life adventure was easy graduating with a nursing degree and marrying my best friend. And I have found that having faith at the end of it all, at the point of my life where I currently am, is easy too. It’s easy to have faith when you’re excited and looking forward to opportunities you have earned, and it’s easy to have faith at the end when it all works out. But like many of you will agree, it’s the hardest to have faith in the middle, yet the most important time to have it.

I trusted God at 21 years old with the wonderful life I was walking across a graduation stage to receive. But why was it that as soon as I received that phone call, and over the 10 years of rehabilitating and seeing Scotty grow stronger, I was losing faith? I trusted God’s purpose in the beginning, and I trust it now that my bright future is unfolding ahead of me, but I chose not to trust Him in the middle, and I didn’t want to try.

For me, I felt like I wasn’t deserving enough for God’s love, for his dependency, and for his strength. I became so depressed and thought so poorly of myself because it was easier to do that than to trust God in the midst of the tragedy that he brought upon my life. I know we all tend to feel that way sometimes, where we have allowed ourselves to fall victim, to surrender to the battles we face, rather than be the tough soldiers God created us to be.

But I do remember the day that it all just kind of clicked for me. It wasn’t out of the blue, but rather a result of my persistence to be a better person, to feel compassion for myself, for my life and for the goals I wanted to accomplish. I started to tell myself that fear wasn’t going to run my life, but that God was. He showed me that there would be storms in my life, but none without purpose, and He would always be there to give me the tools to find my way through.

In this life, there are choices. God gave us free will to make choices, and those choices ultimately come down to choosing faith or choosing to control. I had to make a conscious choice to stop trying to control my life. This came in baby steps, because surely it wasn’t easy. With every choice I debated day-by-day, big or small, I had to find a way out of my own ego and the answer was always to just have faith in God.

In doing this, in choosing to accept the life that God gave me, and in giving up control and surrendering to God’s will, I found my way out of the dark place that had become too comfortable for too long. God showed me the way out and I started to actively recognize the good that he left me with in the wake of Scotty’s injury, and the power and strength I received from choosing to rely on Him.

My passions became more obvious, and my ability to achieve goals became inherent. With God on my side, nothing has ever been impossible.

What I learned most importantly is how a woman should be valued, and I learned it straight from God. God gave me, a WOMAN, the eyes to see for the both of us, living proof that we are SO capable. So that when I was asked to be everything, I could do it, and I could do it well. To the point where I have built us a more-than-successful, joyful life.

I have raised three amazing, talented, smart, funny, adventurous, Godly boys since Scotty’s injury. I have founded and successfully ran two businesses from my home that have sustained our family comfortably for over 10 years. I have conquered the tasks I was given, and I have mastered being mom, dad, wife, maid, cook, driver, breadwinner, writer, inspirer, political enthusiast, and child of God, or at least I hope I have.

All of this has become possible through faith. I have worked for many years to incorporate faith in business, in relationships, in politics and in my community, and I have seen the abundant success that has come from doing that.

With that being said, I have started a new initiative, More Than Me, which will strive to unite women from all walks of life, from all over the country, as we venture forth in an attempt to incorporate faith in business, in politics, and in our communities. In order to achieve this, More Than Me will give you everything you need to find your purpose, your freedom, and your powerful voice as a woman.

More Than Me will offer you a platform to share your story, and to read the stories of real life women who have faced and overcome adversity. In doing this, I truly believe that women will unite in positive indifference of outward appearances, in empathy, and read these stories knowing they are not alone in their circumstances, and give hope to those facing similar trials of their own.

This platform will recommend the best entrepreneurial women and the services to help you find freedom, find joy and find purpose through life, through spiritual connection, and in business. It will also offer conferences at cities across the country for us to join together to share stories, to regain a sense of hope, to make new friendships and business partnerships, and have a greater understanding of our worth together, and individually.

I would love to speak with any of you who may be interested in joining this movement, and contributing to this upcoming initiative! God gave us all individual talents and gifts and I truly believe once we start to realize our purpose and use our gifts to build each other up, we will change the world.