My Money Story Part 1

Money is my vulnerability.  Money is my strength and my weakness.  It is my fear and my weapon.

Money is spending five more dollars for a hand massage after a manicure, and money is my mother’s cancer bills.  Money buys me dinners that I don’t have to make, and it’s a big pile of loans that will sit and accumulate interest.  Money sets me apart from others, it’s a way to divide me from those who have more and those who have less.  My money has always been earned and hardly ever given.  My account lives on the prayer that it will receive a check every few weeks and it’s left cold by the selfishness of my father.  Money seems endless at the same time that it seems indefinite.

Money is my education, and my education is my loans.  Money carries a fear that one day it might be gone, rent won’t get paid and there will only be one meal per day, not three.  At the same time, money carries the power to give you what you need, and in a more desirable world, what you want.  Money has the power to make you feel; to make you cringe when you buy a new purse, and make you feel secure when you get a paycheck.  Money holds the value of everything purchased and material.  I could say that none of that matters to me, but who am I kidding, money saved my mom.

Money is so unpredictable, and for this reason, money makes me vulnerable.  It scares me to have it and it scares me to lose it.  To have money is to have opportunity; to have an education, to have books, a car to drive, a house for which I can pay rent, and for three meals a day.  To lose money is to lose security, to live in fear of what it affects.  To lose money is weak.  For these many reasons, my relationship with money is complicated.  Money has given me a life of opportunities that many people never get, and it’s prevented me from living a life of stability.  Money can change your hair and your clothes, and it can change your status.  Money drove my father to bad decisions that lead to my parent’s divorce, and in the end, money gave my mom a way to save herself from crumbling debt.  Money has been powerful in ways that have hurt me and saved me.  It is my greatest fear, and my weapon.  Money is a promise that nothing is certain in this life.